1 Cor 13

Life will deny me, frustrate me

But love is patient

Life will be unkind and brutal

But love is kind

Life will show me how little I have, will compare me to others

But love does not envy

Life will applaud my success and give me medals

But love does not boast

Life will ensure me I am entitled to joy

But love is not proud

Life will trample me and spit upon me

But love does not dishonor

Life will bolster my ego

But love is not self-seeking

Life will infuriate me

But love is not easily angered

Life will demand accounts, wants to be a zero-sum game

But love keeps no record of wrongs

Life delights in the victories of the strong

But love doesn't delight in evil

Life celebrates lies

But love rejoices in truth

Life leaves the weak helpless

But love always protects

Life is a series of betrayals

But love always trusts

Life is full of despair, misery

But love always hopes

Life quits, ends

But love always perseveres

Life is finally vanquished

Love never fails

Love is the absolute basis of Reality.

Book: Sitting with Koans - John Daido Loori

The thrust of koans is to bring you to insight into dharmakaya ("the absolute basis of Reality"). When you achieve that insight you get "spacious mind" , and further koans help refine and root the insight until there can be no fluctuations. At that point you do things like pick up a bowl while holding nothing, etc....

Insight is very similar to faith, as the term is used by the mystics.

If I have faith the size of a speck I can move mountains etc. If I have faith I can heal the sick, trample scorpions etc.

The 3 pillars of Zen are: great doubt, great faith, and great determination.

Doubt

Perhaps I can equate Zen doubt with Christian Hope. I hope what the church teaches is true, I hope Jesus wasn't a madman, I hope I get to Heaven, etc. That is -- I am not sure and I am bothered about it but I will pursue it as if it was true, proven and experienced by me as truth.

Faith

Zen faith is trust in the methods of the tradition, trust in the reliability of the tradition, as well as trust of self -- "Can I do this? Yes I can!"

Christian faith is similar, but it involves faith in Jesus, or better, faith that the hope given by the indwelling of the Holy Spirit is not just a fancy of the church/.

It is v. tenuous: I must have faith that Jesus can bridge the gap between God and my profound doubt - a doubt that transcends fear of death. If I have such faith I will know it is both The Rock and The Ocean. Such faith moves mountains...

But what is it? It is an insight. An insight is an all-pervasive, all-encompassing glimpse into Creation, into Reality, into the ground of being. Without such faith it is hard to imagine martyrdom as joyful. This is love-enabling faith.

Determination

Zen determination is this relentless try-again attitude. In Christianity it may be equated with love (1 Cor. 13). Turn 1 Cor. 13 into situations and it matches well:

• Love is patient = life will frustrate you but you wait in hope-filled faith.
• Love is kind = life is unfair and unkind, brutal and short. But you persevere being fair before unfairness, kind before unkindness, gentle before brutality.
  

Furthermore love is greater than faith & hope because love is the absolute basis of Reality.

1 Peter 5

Maintaining constant vigilance, which is the same thing as mindfulness, is a practice which is not common these days in Christianity, though it was a practice long established by the time of the Church Fathers. These men and women in the deserts of Syria and Egypt have much to say about the practice of vigilance. Yes, granted, much of what they say is difficult, and their extreme (to us) penitential practices are borderline psychotic. But...

I was reading some of the writings by Greg Boyd in his website and found some stuff about an interesting theological position which he supports called Warfare Worldview. Roughly it contrasts with what he labels Blueprint Worldview. On the Blueprint position, God pre-established the world, and all events, good or evil, were either 'permitted' or perhaps directly initiated by God. Think of some of the caricatures of Calvinism and you will get the point here – double predestination and all that. In the Warfare view there is room for freedom – both angelic and human. Ad this creates multiple actors who effect changes. This leads to a position which holds that there are malevolent agents in the cosmos, both human and inhuman. I do a disservice to a more nuanced position and it is worth reading his stuff directly.

The way my prayer life has evolved I have come to a point where the obviousness of Boyd's position requires no complicated theological positioning (though it is much welcome). Of course there are malevolent entities in the cosmos, and some of them are people and some of them are angels. And of course these entities are acting contrary to God's benevolence. Does this mean we are caught in the middle of some Manichean good-versus-evil dualistic universe? I am sure that is one of the theological arguments against Boyd's view, but I take a completely different approach.

Creation is a multi-dimensional ecosystem where there exist multiple species not all of which are to be considered as benevolent to humanity's aims and goals – just as humanity cannot be considered benevolent to other species' goals. It is no different than a lush rainforest – gorgeous, complicated, multi-layered, and not all the 'critters' in there are going to be Bambi...i.e. enter at your own risk.

So I do not think it is much of an organized forces of the Dark Side against organized forces of the Light. Principally because all I experience tells me that such central planning is not available.

Now, and this is where it can get interesting. I am also aware that the cosmos as a whole is cooperative. That is the various agents within it, at some level, cooperate with each other, and most fundamentally cooperate with God. I cannot emphasize this enough: the cosmos cooperates with God. Think about it, and better, pray it into your life.

What these two insights lead me to is part of my practice: to cooperate with God and facilitate other being's cooperation. I call this the practice of almsgiving. The word 'alms' comes from the Greek eleos which means 'pity'. I think 'having pity' tends to be seen as a condescending attitude, but my goal is to look at it from God's perspective, and pity is how someone in the Kingdom sees someone outside the gates. To deepen this a little, the Kingdom IS pure cooperation, and any place where cooperation does not reign need my pity, needs my heart to break and my eyes to fill with tears, and my hands to get impatient to touch and help and heal and bring them to the Kingdom.

Peter reminds me that almsgiving has a component of martyrdom in it – I resist the attacks by malevolent agents, human and inhuman, not because I am strong, or because I am Conan or some Greek hero. No I resist because people are suffering, I resist out of pity, I resist because in the end I want to bring my attackers into the Kingdom too. And this makes the 'war' a very different sort of war. It is not one of punishment and violence, it is one of pity and generosity.

I resist you who are evil because I want to cooperate with you who are good, because I want to eradicate evil – I want to hate with a perfect hatred the enemies of God (Ps. 139), a hatred devoid of prejudice and selfish ambition and greed, hatred without sin.

Hard stuff, but this is the practice. Scares me too.

Galatians 5

Why is Galatians 5 such a pivotal text for my understanding of my call? First of all because it is an impassioned call for walking freely. As part of my understanding of how to live out my call I am to be open to God and to mimic Him in my life.

But first a step back. Monastic life for millennia has been an attempt to live as completely as possible in Jesus. To this end since the Desert Fathers & Mothers men and women sought out ways to create an environment which was acoustically perfect to hear God's Voice. By definition such an environment is artificial. A monastery is as close to real life as a university. Sure a young man or woman in college discovers a new world, and learns many things about real life which they would not otherwise find back at home. But a college is also as far removed from life as possible - ask anyone about a year out of college int he 'real world'.

I am not putting down artificiality. It is important to design habitats where we can exercise certain facets of our existence. A good university is optimally constructed to maximize exposure to learning opportunities, be they intellectual or social. A monastery is a similarly structured environment (in fact it is no surprise that the first universities were monasteries) - it is designed to maximize the individual's exposure to prayer opportunities. Everything is focused on that. To take this further, even a home is artificial. It is a place where I can maximize my exposure to my family. The same approach can be applied when thinking of an office. And so on.

In fact, I am hard pressed to come up with places or spaces where we do not artificially arrange our environment to maximize some facet or another of our lives. I am not in any way pleading for sort of fantastical 'noble savage' ideal, where all is 'natural' nothing is artificial. This is a fantasy, and it too, in its own way, is artificial!

The first step is to simply recognize all these various artificial environments. How many do I enter into every day?

After recognizing them for what they are, the next question is to ask 'What are they teaching here?' What is this environment designed to do? What kind of opportunities does it afford me? I have worked in a company whose sole focus was making money, and it designed its environment accordingly. I have also worked in non-profits whose goal was serving others, and it was designed very differently. Even within companies each dept. has its own environment. I have worked in accounting which works one way, and I have worked in marketing which is different.

All these environments have rules. There are clear and codified and often written down rules and regulations for behavior. There is a lot here that can be drawn from Game Theory, but essentially there are two critical things to grasp: one is that each artificial environment is designed and developed to maximize the opportunities to exercise a certain trait; two all social environments are artificial.

So far so simple. The tragedy comes when people simply lose sight of the artificiality of their environment and take it as an immutable law of nature. "This is the way things are", they will say. They then become trapped within the 'game', within the confines of the environment - just like the 'permanent student' who goes to college for 12 years without graduating and who lives with his parents - unable to transition out of the safe and nurturing environment of college.

So where is freedom in all of this? Well the first step of freedom is to recognize that in Christ you do not need to be limited to a few of these 'games'. This is part of what Paul means by being all things to all people. Jesus blew through social conventions in ways which we are still discovering to this day - he touched the outcasts, he broke Levitical law, he had close women followers, he called YHWH 'Daddy', and so on.

When I am in Christ, that is when he is before me and behind me above me and below me to my right and to my left as St. Patrick suggests, then I am not imprisoned by these rules. I am free.

But Paul, a savvy student of human nature, predicted a danger in this freedom. If I can see the artificiality of my environs, and if in Christ I am freed from such bondage, then what stops me from indulging in, let's say, less than Biblical behavior? After all aren't some (all?) of our social mores and taboos just 'game rules'? Well yes and no says Paul "do not use your freedom to indulge in your sinful nature".

This is quite a subtle piece of advice. On the surface Paul seems to say what most have come to equate with church-speak, a condescending form of sermonizing, which pretends to talk about freedom just to go right back to the old standards. But looking at it more carefully I can see that what Paul is suggesting is that I drop my hypocrisy! What he is suggesting is that to be the freed of Christ, I need to be completely free. I must not allow this gift to lead me back into slavery.

The insight here is simple: recognize that social rules are artificial, but also recognize that inner tendencies are artificial also. There is not much space to discuss whether this is an innate or learned mechanism. Ad in fact it does not matter. The simple fact is that my inner drives are compulsive and most often unhealthy. If I 'let go of the reins' in some misguided attempt to be free I will end up enslaved to much worse things than stifling social conventions!

And here's the final piece: while all society is a large artificial environment, some of these rules are healthy (just as some of my inner drives are healthy). Just not all. To be free one must pick each one at a time and discern its spirit. Ask yourself is this environment a spirit of good or evil, one which leads me to health or to illness? Is this environment one which teaches me how to be less selfish, more loving, more prayerful, or is it one which glorifies power, greed and hubris?

My freedom lies in choosing - today, now - between life and death. Meditate for the next week on the passage below, especially next to Galatians 5.

See, I set before you today life and prosperity, death and destruction. For I command you today to love the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, and to keep his commands, decrees and laws; then you will live and increase, and the LORD your God will bless you in the land you are entering to possess. But if your heart turns away and you are not obedient, and if you are drawn away to bow down to other gods and worship them, I declare to you this day that you will certainly be destroyed. You will not live long in the land you are crossing the Jordan to enter and possess. This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live. (Deut 30:15-19)

Details

I. Prayer
The times set aside for training are for seeking God's instructions without distractions.

"How often should I pray?" This is the same as asking "How often I should forgive?" There are no requirements of two, four, seven, eight Offices. There is just one "Office" - ceaselessly (Eph. 6). But, just as Jesus Himself chose times to go away and be alone, so too should the chalicer. So within this day-long “Office” it is appropriate there be four special focal points, practice times as it were. These are times of increased intention.

But since the goal is freedom no one should be ruled by a clock (or anything else). There shall be no mandated time for practice. Having said that, there are some times of the day which are more auspicious for practice such as: before going to work, in middle of the day, after work or after dinner, and bedtime. This responds to natural rhythms where things do no go by clockwork, do not keep an even tempo, but rather change speed, rhythm.

Practicing. Practice should be fluid and free as life. Nevertheless, if one is able to keep a schedule that too is good. Just don't let the schedule of practice interfere with the "real" game!

Let's repeat: these times apart are “practice times”. But practice does not mean inferior, “not good” or “not real”. True practice is a time-place of artificial enhancement of certain desirable features for didactic purposes. The true practitioner of any art will use this invaluable time to perfect and hone their craft.

For the chalicer the practice time will serve a threefold function: the purpose of the practice is to learn how to pray (since we do not know how to - Romans 8); the purpose of the practice is to to learn how to handle the “weapons” of prayer so as to become a better soldier in the spiritual war of our daily lives (Psalm 144); the purpose of the practice is to increase our freedom through dying of the self so as to be empowered to pray ceaselessly and effectively (2 Cor. 4).

Anyone's reasonable petitions are not guaranteed to be relevant. We should be doubly cautious with the ones which we can express very well. The chalicer is a space for the Holy Spirit, a gap in the world. The first way to accomplish this then is to remove “my” prayer from the equation. Let there be prayer, ceaseless prayer, but it is the Holy Spirit’s prayer through me.

It is the goal of this practice of prayer to prepare the chalicer to become an agent of change, so that the Spirit can act more obtrusively wherever they may be making it a safer (and more sacred) place to be. Where a chalicer is there is the will of God, and nothing will happen in that space that is not the will of God.

During practice there is value in enhancing its urgency by raising up someone(s) and their needs. This person (or institution or thing) will give you a little more oomph when practicing, be it praying for their salvation, for healing, for comfort, etc. The important point here is to get used to the effortless urgency of true prayer.

Thus, the “real” prayer happens at the encounters at the office, at home, at the grocery store, waiting for the lights to change. These moments are not going to follow a liturgy, or a formula. You cannot reach for a breviary or a missal. You cannot check on the internet or reach for a favorite book. You rush in where there is injustice, oppression, fear and want, sword of the spirit flashing and do battle. No thinking. Just pray.

Christianity is a religion which concerns us as we are here and now, creatures of body and soul. We do not follow the footsteps of His most holy life by the exercise of a trained religious imagination, but by treading the firm, rough earth, up hill and down dale. (Evelyn Underhill)

Completing a practice time. Since there is only one Office, there is no "end" to them. Liturgically there is no ending to the prayers or dismissals. The practice just spills out into the day. End the practice period with a hand clap and say out loud “Amen! Let's go!”

Upon completing the practice the chalicer must apply what they learned before the beginning of the next Office. It could be as simple as a special prayer, or sending an email, or giving a hug. Whatever they were inspired to do. Share! This helps anchor the training with the reality.

Refocus. This is similar to Teresa's Prayer of Recollection. It is a direction of the attention to God in His Throne. I understand this to be a bringing Him into focus in the here and now. God is hiding in plain sight, the reason we cannot see Him is that he is so exposed, so clear (He is Light) that we are blinded by His Presence (John 1). We see only shadows (1 Cor. 13).

To refocus then is to take the time to become aware of His Light. This is done by being still for longer than normal. Do nothing physically or mentally but take deep and relaxed breaths. Develop the capacity for slowing (eventually stopping) the internal dialog. This is best accomplished by patiently ignoring the tantrums of the mind. During this time keep eyes open to see Him clearly. He is literally right here – see(k) Him.

Psalter. Read one psalm slowly, chanting if possible. At the end pause and let the words reverberate in the air (or ring a meditation bell). Let the sound stretch into silence for many seconds. Sit and wait. Breathe deeply for 3 clean breaths. Then read the next psalm.

If anything stands out in the first reading stay with it. Skip the second psalm if time is an issue. It is better to listen to God than to my own voice.

Try to understand the gist of the Spirit's teaching. This is not a case of memorizing "instructions" like some sort of automatic writing in a trance. Rather it should be an insight, a “seeing-into”, the mind of God. Not “my” mind which does not matter, but into the very mind of God.

The psalter well prayed teaches one how to think like God. Follow those thoughts around (John 6). If necessary (at the end of the practice) jot a few notes down but not during. Practice time is the period of time consecrated to God, and not mine anymore.

Eventually, as the whole day is prayer, the whole day is no longer mine, but only from God, by God, for God. This is the ceaseless prayer of the chalicer.

Before work – Faith. Morning practice should be focused on the practice of faith (Hebrews 11). This is the practice where we place all the to-dos of the day in God's Hand and move out boldly into the world. We have an opportunity to learn about faith: our faith, our ancestor's faith. This is why it is appropriate to read the Old Testament - these are the stories of heroes of faith who never got to see the Jesus, the fulfillment of their faith, but who nevertheless stepped out bravely, like Abraham. The first practice of the day should also include sharings of faith and faithfulness with all we meet: listen to (and for) their stories of faith.

Mid-day Break – Perseverance. Lunchtime should be the time to specifically practice perseverance. We are halfway through the day. Perhaps it is going swimmingly well - wonderful! Thanks be to God. But perhaps it is going badly, a "bad hair day" - be thankful to God as well. It is in the tough days that we naturally pray the most, so what a great opportunity to be given a bad day. Of course, we should dance for joy in good or bad days, but somehow we tend to dance in the good days and curse in the bad ones. No more! Dance all the time - because as the poet put it "the dancers inherit the party"! So focus your practice on perseverance, on digging deep. No time to quit now! Ok so it was tough, horrible. You are still breathing - so pray! More. Surrender more. Keep going. During this practice time it is appropriate to read the Epistles, since they tend to be encouraging letters, admonishing, instructing, but always encouraging. You should use the sharing time to encourage and help pick up others whose energy may be sagging.

After work – Hope. The practice at the end of the workday should concentrate on hope. Traditionally the Hebrew day begins at night. So as the night falls, the new day is beginning! What a great time to hope. We can look back on the day so far, and be thankful, as well as look forward to tomorrow and hope for better. Because of this focus it is very appropriate to read the Gospels during this practice - the ultimate Good News for a new day. Spend the sharing time in bringing up hope and the promises of Jesus.

Bedtime prayer – Love. Should be said just before lying down - the last act of a disciple should be to surrender their life to God. Sleeping is a sort of death, so commit yourself to God's mercy during your time of unconsciousness. Be very familiar with this feeling of complete loss of control. We see some of this in Teresa's Infused Prayer, i.e. God comes to me, I can do nothing but wait for His Sovereign Will. The reason for choosing the last moment of the day is simply because by then chores have been done, children are in bed, and the house and the world is quiet. But it can be done at any time - as long as there is a regularity to it - if morning then always morning, if night then always night (this applies especially for those with night shifts for example). This time should begin with confession. Recite the following: "The day has now ended. My life is shorter. Now I look carefully: What have I done?" Pause and run the day through your mind. This should be more than a litany of missteps, of coulda-shoulda-wouldas - it should be a taking account of the day by checking off good and bad points dispassionately, as if observing an interesting stranger. It may require that I leave I leave my offering upon the altar and reconcile with spouse, children etc. Then, hand over the list to God. I am done. At which point recite: "Jesus - what would you have me do?" And then listen. End by praying: "With all my heart let me be persistent in prayer, diligent in fasting, generous in almsgiving. Let me live openly, overcome sin, and bring your Cup to the world."

No more thought about any of the day past - I am, in fact, forbidden by the Lord Himself to take any worry about past or future. The acts today were done prayerfully and will be blessed in their own time. No responsibility at all for history - I had my chance, and now hope that God will give me another one tomorrow.

II. Fasts

The spiritual benefits of fasting are manifold. It is the quickest route to our core. Through the denial of sustenance we are forced into having to embrace Jesus' commandment of not living by bread alone. We have to look to God for sustenance. It seems unnecessary to point out that all spiritual disciplines have to be tempered with wise commonsense. Whenever a chalicer wants to attempt fasts beyond the requirements suggested below, it should be discussed with one's spiritual director.

24 hour food fasts are recommended on a monthly basis. The details and manner can be arranged with the spiritual director. During the holy seasons of Lent/Easter there must be food fasting multiple times a week. This fasting can be of the breakfast-to-dinner type. But on the Great Vigil of Easter there will be a 24-hour fast ending with Eucharist on Easter Day. There shall be a food fast during all of Advent from Saturday evening until after Eucharist on Sunday.

But fasts are not just abstinence from food. There are other, more important things to be fasting from. All fasts are primarily a way to get to the root of sin. Thus all fasts have as their primary intention the purification of fallen nature. As such one should be constantly fasting from bad habits, and so on. So the chalicer will engage in a continuous life-fast, a fast from the eight deadly thoughts of gluttony, lust, avarice, dissatisfaction, anger, acedia, vainglory, and pride (read Evagrius).

Perhaps focusing on fasting seems like undue focus on the negative – why not “fast” by taking on something as is so common these days? While this is appealing, there are two reasons it is not recommended. It assumes that I live with limited spiritual resources, and thus if I “feed” the good there is less for the bad. This is wrong thinking. Vices are like weeds – the more I water my roses, the more water is available for the weeds. No, to get rid of vice you must cut it and burn it off at the root. Thus taking on a good habit is no guarantee of starving a vice. Second, the greater effort brings greater reward. The greatest effort of all is to deny ourselves and pick up our crosses and follow Jesus. When we fast by choosing to add something good – it frequently ends up in narcissism. I pick something which makes me feel holy, without ever having to deal with the nasty darkness in my soul. For this reason chalicers will work fearlessly with their shadow sides.

III. Almsgiving

On a practical level a chalicer will always carry some change to give without for one second even considering what the money is for. They are commanded by Jesus Himself to give to those who ask. Chalicers must be “tent makers” – that is they must have their own source of income through some job. The chalicer is aware that having employment themselves they are responsible to use that money to give to those who do not have any. So, overflowing with blessings and thanksgivings chalicers cannot do otherwise but to give and splash love around.

Some current psychological research (Vohs, Mead & Goode, 2006) may shed some extra light here. Research into money has found that when people are reminded about money they act in a more self-centered way: they are more likely to perform 'socially insensitive' actions, cutting themselves off from others.

Without a doubt this is the root of Jesus near-constant injunctions against the rich and wealth, because thoughts about money (regardless of whether rich or poor) end up separating the person from others through thinking selfishly. Even the super-rich need friends, or in the psychological terminology 'social support', and without it are likely to become miserable - read the story of the rich young man. A continuing focus on money serves only to cut us off from others.

Another possible form of almsgiving is to tithe your treasure, time and talent especially to works of the church. Chalicers are not volunteers, they are disciples who roll up their sleeves and get to work in the vineyard – the more wine in their cup the better!

IV. Vows

Let the baptismal vows suffice. Instead of vows, how about taking the example of St. Vincent de Paul who founded the Ladies of Charity to be "plain girls, without vows"? Thus chalicers impact their communities through their life of prayer, fasting and almsgiving.

Let the chalicer be known for their manner of life, a mysterious something which no one can quite point to, but which leaves a trail of healing and peace in its wake, like a fragrant perfume of holiness. There should be a seamless connection between charism and action-in-the-world, between the call from God who is not a respecter of persons (seeing into the Plan of Salvation and not our personal plans and motives), and the difficult path of carrying our cross in day-to-day life. Remember always the words of both St. Catherine of Siena: "Let the truth be your delight, Proclaim it...but with a certain congeniality," and St Francis of Assisi: “It is no use walking anywhere to preach unless our walking is our preaching.”

There is also a subtle danger inherit in vows – it clearly distinguishes between “vowed” and “non-vowed” with the emphasis on the superiority of the vowed – even if this is adamantly rejected by the vowed. It serves as an uniform – a way to know who is on your team. Now, there is nothing inherently wrong with this – in a community which strives for equality of all members, the vows can be a source of strength and comfort as well as the only thing that unites very different people.

But how about going deeper into the intentions behind the vows?

Instead of taking a vow of chastity the chalicer should echo Ruysbroeck, who said of chastity that it "recollects and reinforces the external senses, while, within, it curbs and controls the animal instincts.... It closes the heart to earthly things and deceptive enticements and opens it to heavenly things and to the truth.” A chaste life should be the visible fruit of a life of deep prayerfulness.

Instead of taking a vow of poverty the chalicer should echo Saint Francis of Sales: "Ask for nothing, refuse nothing." Poverty is intimately connected with the work of almsgiving.

Instead of a vow obedience we echo St. Thomas who said that “true obedience is a balance between twin errors of defect and excess, which are disobedience and false obedience (Summa, Q104,5 & 3)” thus connecting obedience with the work fasting.

V. Beginning the work

The chalicer is a missionary of peace and salvation to where they find themselves, to their own neighborhoods, imitating the Savior who came and lived among us, in our neighborhoods.

This mission requires above all else a commitment to continuous prayer. The practice of the chalicer teaches them to confront their own inner demons and to remove the logs in their own eyes. Eventually their practice enables them as skillful surgeons of the spirit to assist others with the specks in their eyes.

Chalicers are given the power and authority of apostles of Jesus on a peace mission to the world to drive out all demons, to cure diseases and heal the sick, and to proclaim the kingdom of God. (Luke 9). To be on a mission for peace is the modern-day equivalent of martyrdom. The call of the chalicer is to be a martyr for the peace of God, which transcends all understanding (Phil. 4). The complex concept of shalom includes both wealth, health as well as happiness and peace is a concept which the chalicer will spend much time mulling over.

The chalicer walks fearlessly into spiritual combat with the world of scarcity. This depraved illusion of scarceness breeds fear, which in turn gives form to the corruption lying at the foundation of the political reality around the globe. No wars were ever fought from a feeling of plenty. Hungry people are angry people. Through fasting a chalicer is able to demonstrate how hunger and anger are not necessarily linked. A chalicer is one who is happy to be hungry, happy to be lacking, happy to be unfulfilled - because they know that it is not through bread alone that a person is filled.

Finally the chalicer's call is to promote the vision of a peaceful and just society through teaching others the methods of moral and spiritual renewal found in the way of Jesus. The chalicer will give away all the fruits of their prayer and fasting to empower others to do the same. Their whole life will be almsgiving, a life of charitable giving of their own life.

Chalicer of Tabor

"If you are what you should be, you will set the whole world on fire.”
(St. Catherine of Siena)

Because hurting sinful people are hurting sinful people, Lord Jesus

Let me be your living word without footnotes
Let me be your healing prayer without rubrics
Let me be your incomprehensible peace without time limits

Through persistence in prayer, diligence in fasting, prodigality in almsgiving – transfigure me into your cup, running over with Your precious Blood getting everyone around me wet.

Remember me with favor my God.

***

Be the freed of Christ (Gal. 5). This requires constant vigilant discernment (1 Peter 5) to spot all sin and evil as they sprout and uproot it (1 Thess. 5). The main point here is simply to be whomever God sees you as, be the one whom God created, as if you could be anything else. Stop fighting uselessly (1 Cor. 9). Tackle some real angels for once.

Never lose sight of the Spirit (Luke 15). Instead of small little saccades, the eyes of the heart have that long look of the skillful tracker, always alert for signs of Spirit/Wind (John 3). Stillness and inner quiet are essential (1 Kings 19). Blaring trumpets, crashing gongs and clanging cymbals are not useful. Instead fix the eyes of the heart upon the Spirit and pursue it - keep looking, don't dare lose sight of the Spirit (Luke 15).

To bring the cup of Salvation to the world requires unmediated creative spontaneity (Romans 8). Be especially wary of routines and habits - they will impede you. Choose a mode of life which increases their availability to those who need them – physically, mentally, and spiritually. Let them choose to stay put in their communities and be visible – so all can see where shelter is to be found.

Be fearless (James 4). Show heroic faith through abstinence from sinful desires (1 Peter 2). If you exercise a mustard seed's worth of restraint you will be able to remove mountains of sin from your life. Why then do you so often fail, and even more often are tripped up by the same things? Because you have no faith. Fearlessly face your sin. Engage but do not indulge.

Let go of whatever you use to protect yourself (Psalm 27). There is nothing to fear, for the Lord himself will watch over you. Be poor in spirit and know that all that happens is from the Lord. You should constantly meditate on the story of Nehemiah, and memorize his prayer (1.5-11).

Your life is one of rebirth (Matthew 18). The only way to catch the Spirit is to be born again - a baby and naked and defenseless.

Give your chalicer success today
By granting me favor
In the presence of all I meet.

Day 8: Graceful presence

Give your chalicer success today
By granting me favor
In the presence of all I meet.

Teaching: Shut up and pray!

While I am here waiting I must do only one more thing. Only one thing do I lack. I must shut up and pray. Now, grace-filled, splashing Wine all around, I am present.

This is where I can grasp the difference between spiritual prayer and soulful contemplation. The first one is discursive and temporal. It can be described, analyzed, taught. It is a skill, an art and a science. It is a psychology and an anthropology. This is because prayer moves in, and is propelled by, spirit. There is so much spirit in my life, and I am not saying spirit is bad. Spirit is energy-for-good, it is love-for-healing, it is searching for temporal solutions for temporal problems. When I am wrapped in spiritual prayer I can petition, I can give thanks, I can adore, I can confess my sins. There is so much in spiritual life! But it is also limited, entropic, finite. There is only so much spirit, even though it feels immense. Spirit is like the ocean, and I am the fish.

In comparison soul is like outer space: infinite, dark. It is not silent as an absence of loud noises, it is silent because there is no room for sound. While spirit is hollow, soul is sincerely solid. In soul there is no possibility of change since there is no place for change to happen. Soulfully I contemplate the beauty of Jesus all the days of my life, I am filled with grace upon grace, presence upon presence, eighty times eighty. Think of an empty space: spirit is vacuum, soul is plenum. Spirit is sea to the soul's fire - you can navigate the sea, fire is impenetrable. Spirit is the changing sun while soul is moon.

It is important to keep in mind that from the place of spirit, soul is The Rock. From the place of soul there is no spirit.

As chalicer I carry spirit to spirits. I refill that cup with the water-blood of the soulful present. I fill it now and give it then. I carry goblets of Rock for all to drink. I bring Water to the drowning. Do you need prayer? Drink the Rock-Water. Do you need healing? Look upon the bronze Rock dripping Blood. Do you need guidance? Use the Rock as your pillow.

Most important is to remember that while I can, and do, work at my prayer and my spiritual life, and in fact am held accountable for that, the contemplation of the soul is given to me by God. It is a grace. I cannot force it. The rock either drops or does not in the still lake. The lake cannot force the rings of ripples upon its own surface, no more than I can force soulful contemplation through spiritual work.

The fruit of soulful contemplation is graceful presence. Having had the hollowness of my spirit filled by the soul I am able to be gracefully present. It is with gentle hands that I fish, it is with gentle hands that I reel you in, it is with gentle hands that I cook you, bless you, brake you and serve you to Jesus, and when he is ready, and if he so desires, he will take that meager fish and feed thousands.

This is how this contemplative chalicer, deep into this present moment, brings the cup of salvation to the world: I shut up and pray.

Day 7: Death and rebirth

A chalicer’s life is one of rebirth (Matthew 18). The only way to catch the Spirit is to be born again - a baby and naked and defenseless.

How do you catch wind with your bare hands?

When I was made an apostle, I was born again. I become a child. I acted as a child, I did the things of a child. I will not grow up. I will go as a child. A wise child, for sure, but a child-like. A child armed, a child old with knowledge. A child who is sent to this present moment to catch fish, to skin them, to cook them, and to serve them. This child which is older and wiser than I am is the one who speaks my true name, who knows the shibolleth, who knows the key to decrypt the message. This child catches the wind with its bare hands. How do I catch wind with my bare hands?

But I know. If I close my fist I catch nothing. But if I open my hand – I catch it all. When I was a fish I swam and swam and I used up all the ocean. When I was given wings I soared and flew and I used up all the sky. I was caught in the net. I was skinned and cooked and served and eaten. I died. Now I am a fisher-child. I catch the wind. I catch all of it. When I was a fish if I needed to swim a little I swam a little; if I needed to swim much, I swam much; if I needed to swim fast the water rushed by fast; if I needed to swim slowly the water was thick as soup. When I flew it was the same. When I needed to fly a little the sky was small; when I needed to fly far there was much sky; when I needed to fly fast, the air whooshed under my wings; when I needed to fly slowly, the air rose in hot currents to keep me floating in the air as if I was a fish swimming slowly under water. Circling above in the sky, circling under the water.

Now I am child. I catch much wind with my hands. I open my hands a little and a little spirit-wind fills it. I open my hands fully and all of the spirit-wind fill it fully and runs over.

So the fish, the bird and the child all use up all. Nothing is left. This is how I catch the wind with my bare hands.

Day 6: Open defenselessness

Let go of whatever you use to protect yourself (Psalm 27). There is nothing to fear, for the Lord himself will watch over you. A chalicer being poor in spirit knows that all that happens is from the Lord. As such chalicers should constantly meditate on the story of Nehemiah, and memorize his prayer (1.5-11).

Are you sure?

The acid which refines lead is questions. I must question, and question the question. But I must do this without doubt. Do I know how to question without doubting? Questions propel me into the present moment. Do I think I know the answer? Do I know what you are going to say? Do I know what you are thinking? Do I know anything? I know nothing. I know nothing because I do not have the facts. If I have the facts I do not have the key to unscramble them. The messages from the present which are broadcast to the all corners are encrypted. I must not only learn how to capture the messages but then I must also decrypt them. Do I have the key? So I ask myself, just as the event is hitting me, am I sure that I am seeing what I think I am seeing? Am I hearing what I think I am hearing?

I must ask the voice which answers the moment, the voice which raises up a shield against the moment with its interpretations, I must ask the voice, “Are you sure?” This is a way to sneak around my shields and take a peek. The voice will say ‘yes, yes, I am sure. Those noises are horrendous ogres wanting to destroy me. Do not go out there.” But it turns out that the beating on the shields was You, knocking wanting to come in and have a meal together.

Once upon a time there were ogres. They are still around. Shields, good shields are important. Weapons too. Do not discard weapons or shields needlessly. But I must understand when to raise shields, when to fire weapons, and when to put them down. I must ask myself – Are you sure?

Day 5: Fearless endurance

A chalicer is fearless (James 4). The chalicer shows heroic faith through abstinence from sinful desires (1 Peter 2). If you exercise a mustard seed's worth of restraint you will be able to remove mountains of sin from your life. Why then do you so often fail, and even more often are tripped up by the same things? Because you have no faith. Fearlessly face your sin. Engage but do not indulge.

What is your deepest wish?

I must continue the work of transfiguration. I must constantly refine the lead bullion of my heart into gold. It is folly, all is folly. I am not capable of even polishing gold, let alone transmute lead! But this is also part of the work. This is the hidden teaching: I must behave as if what I am and what I do is a matter of life and death.

I must constantly, fearlessly, work at refining the bullion in me – even though when the transfiguration happens it is sudden, in the blink of an eye, and it is given me – I cannot sweat transfiguration through hard work. But I must live as if I could, just as I must strive to enter the present as if I am a conqueror or an explorer, even though I am, in reality, an apostle, an ambassador.

The second question here is: what is my deepest wish? Whatever I am wishing for now I have already been given. Ask and it shall be given, in fact it is already given. I have received all that I have longed for already. If the present doesn’t look much like what I ordered, then I must spend time figuring out what present did I order.

My whole body screams my deepest wish. Why is it so hard for me to hear it? And when I hear it why do I not understand? It is I speaking in my own tongue, the tongue which spells out my true name. It is closer to me than my native tongue. It is closer to me than my secret sighs.

What is my wish? Once I reach it, once I am able to see it clearly, I will be able to change it. The mere fact of clearly seeing the wish changes it. It is like an enchanted frog – will I kiss it?

To find the wish I simply have to be intimately familiar with the biggest stranger in my life: myself. I must be more familiar with my self then I am with my projections, my dreams, my desires. Yes they all are part of my self, but they are clothing. I must seek to know myself naked. I must seek to know myself as God knows me.

Day 4: Unmediated creative spontaneity

To bring the cup of Salvation to the world requires unmediated creative spontaneity (Romans 8). Be especially wary of routines and habits - they will impede you. The chalicer will choose a mode of life which increases their availability to those who need them – physically, mentally, and spiritually. Let them choose to stay put in their communities and be visible – so all can see where shelter is to be found.

Habits and stability – are they friends?

One of the greatest enemies of anyone living strategically are habits. Habits are embodied prejudices. Some set of actions, either mental actions or bodily actions or both, which were a creative response at one point, usually in childhood, has ossified into a habit. Worse still is that it is so hard for me to see those habits.

When Jackson Pollock started to really think through his painting, he realized that he had a series of ingrained habits which came from his years and years of practice. Even down to the way he moved his brush was something he learned, and therefore not unique to him. And he came to see that the way to avoid these repetitions and to create something explosively free was to not handle the brush at all – thus he came across a difficult question: how to paint without a brush? This is a strategic question. His tactical solution was Autumn Rhythm. Not every artist comes to the same answer, at least not the great artists! Picasso, hardly second fiddle to Pollock in terms of creativity, was content with handling the brush. He struggled with the strategic question and Guernica is his tactical answer. Picasso said “I do something first. Later someone else comes and makes it pretty”. This is a maxim for creative artists.

But this is not about being creative in that specific artistic sense. This life of mine is about being creative in response. Response to what? To the present moment as it unfolds. God is making some moves, and I must be able to repeat them. So my creativity is of a different sort – it is plagiarism. But I am copying the Creator himself.

Clearly it is hard to follow one who is the source of all creativity. Therefore it is important to remove habits. Remove them all. Let my mind be like that of a little child who sees everything as new, even if it was something which the child has just seen moment ago. It is re-explored, re-visited. Always new.

My habits are behaviors which I return to again and again. They began as seeds to which I bring the water of attention. The more I water them the better they will grow. I want to be careful to water the seeds of trees which bear good fruits. But let us be careful here: even thorn bushes produce beautiful flowers, and some briers and brambles do produce good fruit.

So I must develop the quietness of a child – that boundless enthusiasm which does not linger in discursive thought (thus is quiet) and which sings all day long a song of creation. At the same time I am going to stay here. Here and nowhere else. This radical stability seems to be at odds with the radical creativity just detailed. In a sense they are incompatible. This gives them a great amount of potential energy. I need to tap into this creative stability as the source for my life’s work.

Be here and do not be in a hurry to leave. Mimic the spirit-wind as it moves. Amazing things will happen.

Reducing the amount of stuff I carry in my bag is very helpful. The present moment contains the all transfiguring possibilities of the ten-dimensional universe. The present moment contains theophany. In honesty there is very little I can bring to it which is really useful – at best I start sounding like Peter atop Tabor. In fact, poverty which comes form the roots of my being requires that I bring nothing – not a thing.

I cannot go into the present. I am sent there. I am an apostle to the present moment. Whatever gifts and talents I possess here, are borrowed from the divine cellerar and to him they must be returned.

Day 3: Tracking spirit-wind

A chalicer never loses sight of the Spirit (Luke 15). Instead of small little saccades, the eyes of the heart of a chalicer have that long look of the skillful tracker, always alert for signs of Spirit/Wind (John 3). Stillness and inner quiet are essential (1 Kings 19). Blaring trumpets, crashing gongs and clanging cymbals are not useful. Instead fix the eyes of the heart upon the Spirit and pursue it - keep looking, don't dare lose sight of the Spirit (Luke 15).

Just be here

When I know what I am waiting for, and since I am waiting, then all I can do is be here and wait. Go to the desert and wait, god told me. I did. But I did not wait. I decided to do things while I waited, and boy did I almost miss the boat.

It is always this way. It is hard to stay the course, to keep focus. But once I have a strategy, I have goals, and I can stay the course to the completion of the mission. And the most important thing to do is to be here.

In a sense there is nothing else to do. I am a fish, in a net, pulled slowly but too fast out of water. I am here. And here is the only place I can be.

Why is that? Because God is. Sounds like gibberish! But it is so simple. God is, I Am that I Am, or however you translate it. It means God is. Where there is God there is Life and Truth and Light, and all other capitalized words.

This is why it is so hard to see God, to know God’s Presence. Not because God is remote – that is how I see it when I am deep underwater. God is so remote. But the truth is that I am the one who is remote. I am the lost sheep. I may complain that the flock and the shepherd are so far away and they left me alone. But the truth of the matter is that I wondered away from the fold and got lost.

God is invisible because God is completely here and now. Not a moment ago and not a moment in the future. God is omniscient for the same reason. He is Present to the 10-dimensional Creation. That is a weird way of saying “God is”.

So the main part of the work is to be here. This means to be here with whatever is here. To begin do this: understand (intellectually) that whatever is here is God. Once you experience this, the intellectual realization will seem clumsy at best. Experience, complete overwhelming experience which includes the senses as well as the intellect, is grounded on the present. So experience is closer to the Truth than discursive thought.

How will I know that this experience is true? It may simply be a figment of my imagination. It is important to know how to discern the spirits. The first rule for discernment is to check the experience against the strategy – does it further my strategic goals? The second test is anchoring – does this experience anchor me in reality or sends me off in delicious flights of fancy? If it is flight, then I will be grateful for the wings, enjoy the flight (always enjoy what is given me) and either put it in my bag for future use (nothing wrong with having a harmonica or a pair of angel’s wings in my bag), or return it. The final rule of discernment is to look around – is God here? If God is here, all’s well – if I do not see God, then it is chaff.

Strategies vary. They should. I have a different calling than someone else. Sometimes a group of people joins in one quest – all knights after one Holy Grail. But all strategies begin and end in one required step: be present.

Strategies are also non-personal. Any logical plan I make is at best a tactic. The strategy comes from God who waits in the present like the prodigal father waiting for the wayward son.

Day 2: Freed

A chalicer is the freed of Christ (Gal. 5). This requires constant vigilant discernment (1 Peter 5) to spot all sin and evil as they sprout and uproot it (1 Thess. 5). The main point here is simply to be whomever God sees you as, be the one whom God created, as if you could be anything else. Stop fighting uselessly (1 Cor. 9). Tackle some real angels for once.

What are you waiting for?

The work is simple: do first things first, and know when is the time for first things. But so much is packed into this little formula. To begin then I must spend time dropping my rattling bag, and take out all its contents, its souvenirs, its songs, its crumpled grocery lists, its lucky rocks and lucky sticks. Take it all out and inventory. What do I have? After taking a careful inventory, I can then proceed to remove from my stash all that will not be useful in what I am about to do. A compass and a knife are useful, a lucky stick probably not so much. A song is best memorized and then thrown away. Souvenirs hardly ever sever any purpose.

Look over and over, sift through all I have. Inventory it. The first part is important to be done with a spirit of gratefulness. Look at all I’ve got! This part of the work must be approached as a child after a hard night of Trick-or-Treating when they turn over their sacks on the floor and shriek in glee “Look at all that candy!”

Once the inventory is done, and this will take a while if done carefully, then the work begins of deciding what stays and what goes. Not all things are of equal value to the one who is strategic. In themselves all things are just that, things. None are better than another. Life and death are the same in themselves; they are just states of being. All is energy in Creation, all is vibration. All is always. No vibration is more vibrant than another. What differentiates things then? The strategy. The same thing might be critical for one strategy and rubbish for another.

Before the triage begins we must be clear on the strategy. What is it that I am waiting for? If I am waiting for the pain to end and sweet sweet death, then hard drugs and alcohol will be very important in my strategy. If I am waiting to live as long as possible and beyond, then hard drugs and alcohol is rubbish, instead diet and exercise are critical. What am I waiting for?

As I stand here, waiting, if you come to me and ask “What is coming?” Do I know? Do I know what is coming? If you ask “When is it coming?” I will answer “It will get here when it gets here. I am waiting.”

So I must be very clear on my strategy. What is it? What are you waiting for? Ask and listen. Listen for the answer. Then do it.

Day 1: Because let

Because hurting sinful people are hurting sinful people, Lord Jesus
Let me be your living word without footnotes
Let me be your healing prayer without rubrics
Let me be your incomprehensible peace without time limits
Through persistence in prayer, diligence in fasting, prodigality in almsgiving –
Transfigure me into your cup, running over with Your precious Blood getting everyone around me wet.

Remember me with favor my God.

Transfigured…into whom?

It all begins with this question I must ask myself. I feel a deep stirring in my heart to change. But change is change into something. While an acorn feels a stirring to change into an oak tree, and animals feel a stirring to grow, I too feel these stirrings – but a person can accompany them, observe them, and participate intelligently in the irrevocable process of change. Over and over, wave upon wave of irresistible urge-to-change crashes upon me. Again and again I am required to change – life shifts beneath my very feet. This is not will-to-change. I do not will change, nor do I desire it. My will, if I have one, is to fix things into orbits. It may seem like change – this will-to-power which adapts the environment to my needs is progressive and forceful, and quite impressive. But, if I look closely, I see that all this energy is being spent to stop or control any change which offends my solid ego. I will twist and bend my environment to maximize the pleasurable things and minimize the unpleasantness. Pleasure, and its pursuit, is the main sign of ego, of personhood. Once ego exists it craves more and more resources. It is quite the little tyrant. All of this when properly directed becomes spiritual work.

But life is not so easily thwarted. It may be temporarily kept at bay, like the desert is kept at bay by constant irrigation of my nice green grass. But as soon as I stop spending energy and resources to keep it at bay it will reclaim what is rightfully hers. What I thought was a done deal just a minute ago (eternal love, great career, health) is gone in the blink of an eye, a slip of foot or tongue and it all goes away.

Then I stop and look: what have I become? To really see that, I must see what I was, and line it up with the sextant of my heart of hearts with what I should be. All of this then becomes soulful work.

Who is that that salutes me cheerfully from the other side, the other bank of the river? Friend or foe? Does he know my shibboleth? Turns out he not only knows it, but was the one who whispered it to me long ago.

The one whom I seek to become, who is pulling me into the shores of the present, like the fishermen singing their songs as they heave the fish catch in, is the one who has understood that I am here because there is work to be done – so let it be done. But the work is not at all what I thought it would be. As I feel the present moment becoming ever more solid, as I am pulled from the dream waters into the hard wet sand of now, what I thought back in the depths is the opposite of what is here. In the depths I did the work for myself through my own understanding. Here in the sand I do no work at all. Work is done because people are hurting and being hurt. Here in the sand the work need to be done.

But I do not do it. I am incapable of doing it, deep water fish that I am. But through me…ah, and that is the trick of it.

When I am dry – there is only Jesus. When I am dry – there is only God loving. When I am dry I can watch the Father doing work in the present moment, the eight day of Creation, hidden in plain sight, and I can copy him. I will copy him since I know nothing of sand-life. I am fish, and I have been caught by the fisherman. I am fast in the water, in the sand I am dead.

Dead and here. Dead and now. Dead but he lives in me, for me, through me. Dead, unable to breathe this plain air – but he is wind and fills my lungs. Dead, unable to move – but he is hands and he can skin me, cook me, and multiply me.

I am fish. I am dead. But I am in Him – and lives and breathes and is me doing the work of the eight day.

A life of eight days

On the eighth day God ascended into this moment. A moment of eight stories. Each story with eight rooms. And on each room eight angels with eight wings and eight arms holding eight swords. The present moment is octagonal, facing into all directions at the same time.

Jesus beckons me to follow him into his mansion. I drop my work, leave all behind, and follow him into the eight-storied moment. The eighth day is where the Kingdom is to be found. The eighth day is the entrance to Eden. The eighth day is new Jerusalem.

The Lord's Day is a mystery of the knowledge of the truth that is not received by flesh and blood, and it transcends speculations. In this age there is no eighth day, nor is there a true Sabbath. For he who said that `God rested on the seventh day,' signified the rest [of our nature] from the course of this life, since the grave is also of a bodily nature and belongs to this world. Six days are accomplished in the husbandry of life by means of keeping the commandments; the seventh is spent entirely in the grave; and the eighth is the departure from it. (St. Isaac of Syria, The Ascetical Homilies)

Resurrection and transfiguration. the transfiguration as a preview of the resurrection. And now this. This moment where I am watching the transfiguration of the common moment into shining whiteness. I have come to the periphery of the white moment of Christ. The light instant of reconstitution of the proper order of things. This moment I understand Mary's vision and my soul magnifies the Lord - for in this moment I can see the strength of his arm revealed; here he has scattered the proud in their conceit; this is the moment where he has cast down the mighty from their thrones and has lifted up the lowly; now he is filling the hungry with good things and sending the rich away empty. This is the moment where excess is unburdened and scarcity is filled. Right here.

So in eight days I accomplish the work and enter into the place I never left. I could never leave - for where can I go from God's spirit, or where can I flee from God's presence? So in the first six days I accomplish the stewardship of life, and on the seventh I die. Once dead, my dear St. Isaac, as you know, I enter into the momentless moment. The Lord's Day lasts less than the blinking of an eye and cannot be comprehended through discursive thought, transcending speculation, neither can it be "experienced" in our usual sense of the word, that is through flesh and blood.

Here's the mystery: I am in this moment now, and yet there is no experience, no sensation, no explanation I can offer for it. At first this place is boring, exciting, hot, cold, dark, bright, silent, noisy. And it changes from this to that and back again. Then this place goes away - and there is no place in its place. It is neither boring nor exciting, it is neither hot nor cold, it is not dark or bright, there is no silence nor noise. And there is no change possible. Then this place is here. It is boring when there is boredom, it is exciting when there is excitment, it is hot in the heat of summer and cold in the winter; it is dark without light and bright with the lights on; it is silent when there is silence and noisy when the kids are playing are phones are ringing.

And in the cool of the evening I stroll through the Garden. And the Lord Jesus is King.